2001-10-01

Much ado about nothing

I am getting very tired of the black wave. The black wave is making me feel like a pussy....like a helpless little baby who cannot take care of herself. By the way, I stole the term "black wave" from the book Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I like it, the image is very fitting.

Ken and I drove to Athens on Saturday to see Crooked Fingers play at the 40 Watt. I had been looking forward to it all day. About an hour into the drive, I had to get Ken to pull over so I could go to Kroger for a bathroom. I had a panic attack, and was sick. Of course. I don't know where my attacks have been hiding for over a year, but I really wish they would go the fuck back there. I like to go places and have fun, just like everybody else. I really, really do. For some reason, my subconcious does not. It freaks out, and my body tries to kill me with embarrasment. What is my mind afraid of? Having fun? Who knows. All I know is I want to feel normal again. This shit embarasses me, and it makes me feel like I'm broken, or defective. I hate to have people pity me, or think I am a nutbag because I can't go anywhere out of my ordinary little life box without freaking out. So I try to hide it. I try to pretend that it's not happening when it is. That's when my body gets really pissed off.

My friend Indira once suggested I go see her TCM. A TCM is a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine. I have heard great stories from people about TCMs. Who knows... maybe he can help me "fix" myself. I know that it is my responsability. Worrying about myself this much makes me feel like a selfish bitch. I know that there are plenty of people with worse problems than me.

That is about all of the whining I can take for one night.