2005-06-10

Much like the movie "CLerks", only without the witty dialogue

Today I will share with you a few of the many thousands of stuuuuupid questions that health food store shoppers ask me regularly. Keep in mind that these questions DO NOT come from our webstore customers. I'm talking about the various HF stores I have worked at over the past five years.
Just yesterday, a woman bought two cases of overpriced bottled water. About 20 minutes after she left, she called and asked me: "Is this water considered H-five-O?" My answer was, "Uh, no. It's water. Therefore it's considered H-two-O." Her: "Oh. (disappointed tone) I thought that it was H-five-O when I bought it." Me: "Well, if it was H-five-O, then it wouldn't be water. So...." Her: "Okay. Thank you. (hangs up)
It's a wonder I'm not more rude to people like this.
Last week, a woman came in and asked me for a supplement. "I want something that will replace fruits and vegetables in my diet." I (nicely) told her that no supplements we carry are meant to take the place of food or a healthy diet. Then I suggested a multivitamin to at least cover the bases where her her diet might be lacking. At that, she got irritated. "You're not understanding what I'm asking you!" She yelled at me. Yelled! "I know my diet is poor, and I have no interest in changing that right now. What I want is a vitamin to replace fruits and vegetables!" I calmly replied with a list of what she might be lacking by not eating *any* fruits or vegetables. "Vitamins, minerals, fiber, phytonutrients, and antioxidants. All of these things you can purchase in a supplement, if you would like. I will be happy to show them to you. It's not as good as eating them, but they are available." Then she really got pissed at me. "I already take all fo those things!! You don't understand what I'm asking you!" I asked to possibly explain her request in a different way, so I might understand her better. But she just kept repeating her "replace fruits and vegetables" request. My final suggestion was a product that was 100% organic freeze dried FRUITS AND VEGETABLES in a powdered form. It's a drink supplement. That threw her completely over the edge. "I can't believe this! I don't eat fruits and vegetables!" Then she stormed out of the store. Ooookay.
Once I was asked if we had crushed pecans. "No ma'am. But we do have regular pecans. Maybe you could crush them yourself?" Her: "That's not the same thing!" Me: "Oh. Sorry."
A nice older gentleman once asked me, "What can I take to help get rid of a cavity?" Because, you know dentists just use those drills to scare us. There's really just a pill you can take. Psh.
"I need to return this watermelon." I looked at her receipt and noticed that she purchased the watermelon over a week before. Me: "Is there something wrong with it?" her: "I don't know, I haven't eated it. I just changed my mind about it." Me: "Uh, sorry. I can't return this. It was purchased too long ago. It may be spoiled at this point." Her: "Let me see the manager!" Me: "I am the manager." Her: "oh."
There's always plenty more where that came from. I'll let you know of any updates. Heh.