2005-06-20

Welcome to my pity party. Have some cake!

I've been feeling awfully restless lately. Like a constant feeling of "I should be doing something important" coupled with anxiety that cripples me from doing very much at all, important or otherwise. Maybe it's situational? Our business is somewhat slow right now, my part time job is very unfulfilling, and my other part time jobs (demos) are difficult to get through because of my panic/anxiety issues (and are also unfulfilling)....
I don't know why I feel the need to weigh my worth with what I "do". I mean, I don't weigh anyone else's worth by what they do. Where the hell did I pick that up in the first place? Am I no good unless I'm getting some sort of outside praise? That would be quite sad.
I don't know if I'm even making sense here.
I have some new creative ideas and I've been toying with the idea of shooting some new photographs, printing them up, and entering them in a juried gallery show. The main reason is because I've always wanted to but I never got around to it. I feel like I should before I lose my eye and my desire forever. The main reason why I haven't done this before is because I feel my photographs are simply not good enough. Also I feel like just the act of entering them would make it seem like I thought they ARE good enough, but I could be terribly mistaken. As if someone would see my prints and say, "Wow. She actually thought that these were good enough to enter into a show! How wrong she was!"
So I have issues.
I do know that I really need to stop eating in order to console myself. I'm gaining weight like crazy. I definately won't feel better about myself if I grow out of all my clothes.
*sigh*
What a pity-party night I'm having.