2006-01-17

Distorted

Ugh.
I can't figure out how to stop myself from feeling like a complete failure. I've been slumped over in self pity for weeks now because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be contributing to society. It's all very, very stupid because I know all kinds of people who I feel are unique and talented but don't necessarily have important jobs or make much money. But the older I get, the more it seems like the whole world has college degrees, or rewarding professions, or can... I don't know... make enough money to pay their own bills? I have never judged others by what they do for a living. But for some reason I judge myself on this so harshly that I can barely stand it! Most of my life I have felt creative in some way or another. I used to think that it made me unique. Lately I have felt like every ounce of creativity has left my body, and now I'm just a frumpy, unattractive 30-something who pushes a broom for a few pennies for some asshole bosses. If there's more to me right now, I wish I could feel it.
Maybe I should stop writing here when I'm really depressed. I don't want anyone to think that I don't appreciate what I have. My life is filled with a loving husband, some good friends, and a soft cat. I just wish that I felt more worthy of them. Distorted thinking makes me sad.
That's some shrink lingo. Yay.